Messianic Flat Earthers disperse around ice wall, synchronize ring of shofar blasts to herald Messiah

Messianic members of the Worldwide Association For FLat Earth (WAFFLE), announced a plan to surround the world with shofar blasts. Representatives from the group will send members in the various southerly directions until they reach the wall of ice around the edge of the Earth. “At that point we will be at the farthest possible […]

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Congregation uses CRISPR gene-editing technology to increase number of Jewish members

FORT WAYNE, IN. — Zera Yaakov Messianic Congregation has successfully utilized CRISPR gene-editing technology to dramatically increase the proportion of Jewish members. “Prior to this, we didn’t have many Jewish members at all,” said Rabbi Dean A. Strand. “I mean, there was Bob, whose great grandfather was Jewish. And then there’s the Martìnez family who suspect […]

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Messianic leaders declare eating lab-grown meat to be unpardonable sin

BALTIMORE, MD — While certain mainstream rabbis have touted the potential for lab-grown meat, even “pork,” to be kosher, Messianic leaders across the globe have called it an “unpardonable sin.” “Yeshua said that blasphemy of the Ruach HaKodesh would not be forgiven,” explained Messianic Rabbi Gene Berger, representing a rare consensus across all the major Messianic […]

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