New SotahStream™ beverage maker lets couples test fidelity at home

AIRPORT CITY, Israel — From the makers of SodaStream, the company who popularized automatic sparkling water machines throughout the world, comes the new SotahStream™—a convenient new kitchen appliance for testing marital fidelity. Based on the procedure of the jealous husband in Numbers 5:11-31, the SotahStream™ provides an easy way for consumers to make their own curse-inducing […]

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New Messianic-Seal-K symbol certifies foods as “Biblically kosher”

WEST HAVEN, CT. — Due to overwhelming demand, a new Messianic kosher supervision agency has been formed to certify foods as “Biblically kosher.” The agency’s symbol, Messianic-Seal-K, assures the consumer that food meets Biblical (not Rabbinic) standards. Additional letters provide more information to consumers. Dairy products will be labeled with a D, meat products with […]

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Messianic wedding authentically reflects ancient Israelite bridal customs, taco bar lunch to follow

AGOURA HILLS, CA. — Local Messianic couple Saul Suceso and Kay Saadia announced plans to wed this weekend in a ceremony based on ancient Israelite bridal customs. The feast to follow will be catered by Chipotle. “We asked them to leave out the chorizo,” Suceso explained. “We want our marriage to be really biblical, not […]

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Messianic man conducts thorough kashrut inspection of Applebee’s before ordering cheeseburger

GOLDEN VALLEY, MN. — Local Messianic man Morris Ian asked his server at Applebee’s hard-hitting kashrut questions before placing his order Thursday. According to reports, Ian asked the restaurant worker, “Do your hamburger buns have L-cysteine?” noting that it can be made with human hair, which if you think about it, is technically cannibalism. “I […]

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Messianic food truck opens, contains row of slow cookers plugged into power strip

SAN FRANCISCO, CA. — The world’s first Messianic Jewish food truck opened Wednesday. According to the owners, this food truck offers the best in Messianic Jewish fare: basically a bunch of random dishes in crock pots. While the food is not kosher-certified by the local vaad, owner Stu Laidel insists that all of the food […]

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Messianic man chooses matza with zany, unexpected shape to represent Holy Spirit

ST. PETERSBURG, FL. — Knowing that the three matzot used at the seder represent the Tri-Unity of God, area Messianic man Emery Wheaton specifically selected an odd-shaped matza to represent the Ruach HaKodesh, the third person in said Tri-Unity. Wheaton says that its unexpected shape is a perfect symbol for the unpredictable Spirit of God. […]

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Messianic leaders declare eating lab-grown meat to be unpardonable sin

BALTIMORE, MD — While certain mainstream rabbis have touted the potential for lab-grown meat, even “pork,” to be kosher, Messianic leaders across the globe have called it an “unpardonable sin.” “Yeshua said that blasphemy of the Ruach HaKodesh would not be forgiven,” explained Messianic Rabbi Gene Berger, representing a rare consensus across all the major Messianic […]

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MJRC ruling: Eating kitniyot on Passover only Sephardic thing Messianic Jews allowed to do

The Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council announced on Wednesday that they have updated their Standards of Halachic Observance. The standards now permit Messianic Jews to eat kitniyot, a category that includes legumes and similar items prohibited by Ashkenazi Jews but allowed by Sephardic Jews.

The previous standards endorsed by the council strictly forbid Messianic Jews from any Sephardic practices whatsoever, on the grounds that all Messianic Jews are Americans of Ashkenazi descent. 

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