1-star review by anti-missionary DEVASTATES Messianic congregation

AKRON, OH — The leadership at Ma’aminei Yeshua was stunned to find that an armchair anti-missionary posted a negative review on their Yelp listing. “xian missionaries stealing jewish souls” commented online user mentch2u, who has never attended the congregation or interacted with any of its members, and only noticed the listing by coincidence. The board […]

Messianic Man never washes hands, citing “man-made traditions”

SUN VALLEY, ID. — Area Messianic man Sully Palmer has not washed his hands even once in the last six years, which is when he first realized that the Bible refers to the act as a “tradition of men.” Citing Mark chapter 7 in the New Testament, Palmer stated that one’s hands must “remain dirty…no […]

Super Blood Wolf Fruit King Moon heralds the coming of Messiah

Stargazers around the world are in for an incredibly rare phenomenon that can only indicate that the Messiah’s return is absolutely imminent. According to NASA scientists, North and South America and parts of Europe and Africa will be treated to “one of the sky’s most dazzling shows” beginning on January 20 and extending into January […]

Messianic Flat Earthers disperse around ice wall, synchronize ring of shofar blasts to herald Messiah

Messianic members of the Worldwide Association For FLat Earth (WAFFLE), announced a plan to surround the world with shofar blasts. Representatives from the group will send members in the various southerly directions until they reach the wall of ice around the edge of the Earth. “At that point we will be at the farthest possible […]

Hebrew Catholics discuss whether Eucharist falls under the prohibition of meat during nine days

Messianic Jewish leaders within the Catholic church met Thursday to determine the proper status of the Host when celebrating the Eucharist during the first nine days of the month of Av. As an expression of mourning for the destruction of the Temple, Jews refrain from eating meat or drinking wine for the first nine days […]

Messianic organization divided over whether God Trinity or Tri-unity

SALEM, MA. — Truth to the Jews Ministries (TJM) was in turmoil Monday when board members reached an impasse regarding their core beliefs. “As we were drafting the official statement of faith, it became clear that there some members present who believe that God is not a Trinity, but a Tri-unity,” stated board chairman Harris […]

Lost gospel manuscripts discovered in Michael Rood’s beard

Michael Rood and Nehemia Gordon unveiled a spectacular discovery never seen in the history of Bible research, including Hebrew manuscripts of the Gospels — lost treasures plucked from the depths of Michael Rood’s thick, grayish-white beard. The age of these manuscripts is apparent from the paleo-Hebrew script, indicating that they come from even before the […]

Messianic man hopes worship team sings “Roni, Roni” enough times for him to finish Amidah

TORONTO — While the worship team at Shir Olam Messianic congregation starts in on their fourth round of “Roni Roni Bat Tziyon,” observant Messianic man Shimon A. Essray is hoping he can complete the Amidah before an awkward silence occurs. Essray discreetly brought along his Artscroll Siddur in the hopes that he could complete the […]

20-year-old Gentile barista is Messianic congregation’s leading halachic expert

When members of Congregation Derekh Ha’Emet have a question regarding a practical matter of Torah observance, they know just where to turn. Retail worker Phillip Growler, who is 20 years old, supplies comprehensive and authoritative answers based on his extensive research of the book To Be a Jew and the chabad.org website, which he has […]

African American visitor quickly introduced to Messianic congregation’s only African American member

BEND, OR. — When Rufus Lee King, who is African American, showed up for the first time at Kehilat Shalom last Saturday, greeters quickly summoned Moe Adim, their longstanding African American member. “I have someone I’d like you to meet,” said greeter Diane Tomichu. After introducing King and Adim, Tomichu took a few awkward steps […]